And once again, a variation of the Celtic knot... Yesterday's mandala brought me to some reflections... I remember how scary it was when I first started drawing figures... Girls.
Though no, "scary" isn't quite the right word. More like ashamed, awkward...
"At my age, people don't draw things like that anymore..."
"What will people think, what will they say..."
"What kind of childish nonsense is this..."
I remember having such intense resistance. Only the thought that I didn't have to show anyone helped me step into that experience and begin painting what I genuinely wanted to create in that moment...
And it turned out that many people liked it, that there was resonance and support.
But most importantly, I love it myself! I enjoy the process and the result.
Though before the girls, there was an earlier stage—simply starting to paint at all. "I don't know how, I've never painted, I never studied it. What kind of kindergarten stuff is this? At my age, you only draw kittens for kids )))" Then came the next stage—men entered my paintings. And once again, taking that step was hard. The very same doubts returned: questions, devaluation, sarcasm, and irony. The inner critic gains strength, and its voice becomes deafening. Inside me, it spoke in the varied voices of people I knew. Yes, they were my own fears and projections, voiced through others... within me...
And once again, I chose to be honest with myself about what was asking to come out.
It was the same yesterday with the geometry and the suddenly appearing figures. Why add them? Childish "funny pictures" again. Why ruin an already powerful, finished mandala? At first, I even convinced myself to work only in pencil so I could erase it later.
Every time, in seemingly small things, you have to walk right into your fear and resistance. Into ingrained conditioning about right and wrong, allowed and forbidden. When painting mandalas, you end up living through situations and processes just like in life. Only on a "training ground." And by going through them, feeling through the pain and fears here, it becomes easier to handle them in life later on. It turns out to be a kind of testing ground...